I wonder sometimes what it would be like if things would have been different, If life would have been more “normal” for me?
What would it be like to live without the effects of abuse for me as a person? What would it be like to not have stare complex trauma in the face on an almost daily basis? How would it be to not be triggered on a constant basis? What would life be like? What would I be like? How much different would I be?
Abuse does weird stuff to a person. It messes with the inner part of us. It shatters the heart. It destroys trust and it seems like you are staring death directly in the face. It’s a cruel thing.
These questions and thoughts run through my mind often. What if? Why? Why God? How could you allow such suffering? If you are a good God, why do you allow such awful things to happen to your children?
And so again I wrestle. And still I question.
But of one thing I am sure. In our suffering, God desires for us to give Him our heartache, our shame and our pain. He is present. During our suffering, in our suffering and while we heal. He, the God our Healer is present and for that I am Grateful ♥️
I wonder if in our suffering God draws closer, in fact so close that if we would we ask Him where He is, He would reveal He is holding us close to Him, weeping with us in our pain.
Still I am grateful that He is present, especially in our suffering. What an amazing God!
I have sat down numerous times in years past, intending to transcribe my thoughts on fathers and Father’s Day, as it is one that is very close to my heart and seems almost to sacred for me to share my heart on.
Why? Maybe it could be because, this will not be your normal Father’s Day post as you will, that you generally see at this season but it’s what the Lord is giving so I want to be faithful and share what He gives.
The term father, what does it mean? Protector, advocate, provider, leader, strong, courageous are a few that come to mind. These are mere words I know, but they describe our Heavenly Father so well. Along with words like omnipotent, amazing, loving, holy, understanding, and this list scarcely scratches the surface when it comes to describing our amazing God.
Truly we have a gift, a tremendous gift with our Heavenly Father.
The Word of God reminds us in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.” There is one who is out to destroy and kill.
Today, we too often see/hear the term father/dad so misrepresented and along with that, our Heavenly Father is so misrepresented and how it must hurt the heart of God to something He ordained to be so beautiful and sacred to be destroyed and misrepresented.
If I may just share a short excerpt from my own journey and life. If 5 years ago and prior I was asked, what is a dad? I would have stated it like this, “unloving, negligent, uncaring, harsh” You may question why I would specifically use those terms, but that’s what I knew, and that’s also how I perceived my Heavenly Father to be.
Because as the saying goes, “as you view your dad, so you will view God”. I found this to be so very true in my own life. But let me also say this, there is again, a Heavenly Father who delights in healing and restoring what is broken and torn. He is Truly, “Jehovah Rapha, the Lord our Healer”
You see, God created fathers and dads to be a direct representation of Him, the Heavenly Father. To show His heart for wives, families, churches, and the world, they are all watching and God knew that it would be that way.
Now if you will allow me, let me take this another step further. When Jesus was on the cross, where were His disciples, the ones closest to Jesus? We find that they all fled like cowards, leaving Jesus all alone. Jesus, however; did not waver, He stood faithful, depending on The Lord for strength.
When Jesus was beaten and hung on the cross, He also felt, what it feels like to be rejected by everyone in the world, including His own Father. “And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Mark 15:34
I believe what Jesus felt, that rejection from His Father, was for you and I. We all face rejection and it hurts so bad. Some of you have experienced tremendous rejection from your dads and I want to speak ever so gently to your hurting and wounded heart regarding it.
So if you will allow me to speak the word that the Lord is giving me, for you specifically that have been hurt by your dad. First of all, it was never ever the heart of God nor His intent that His Name or the ones He created to be His representatives, should be misrepresented.
Brothers and sisters, hear these words from Him, the Heavenly Father, Himself, “My son, my daughter, it is My heart that you would know the Love I want to offer to you, it is first Pure and Holy, without blemish. May you also know you can trust Me, Your Heavenly Father. I want to heal you and allow you to experience the Love of a Father, Your Heavenly Father, maybe even for the first time in your life. Now it may seem scary and hard, but I AM here to carry you and walk with you, ALL the way. I will not let go of you ever, you can Trust me. “For I AM the Lord, that Healeth Thee” ~Exodus 15:26
To the Fathers, may you stand strong in an hour where it is popular to be passive rather then prayerful and more stylish then surrendered. And may the Words of Jesus Himself encourage and empower you to be who He created you to be.
“Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16
A tiny baby girl, laying upon her daddy’s chest, the even rhythm of his breathing gently lulls her to sleep. His strong arms gently envelope her perfect little form, drawing her close to him. It is a picture of perfect safety.
Two years later, the same little girl plays happily with her toys, then mama calls “daddy’s home”. The toys are forgotten, as she runs for the door, awaiting the arrival of her daddy. He comes in the door, swoops her up, hugs her close to him, she lays her head on his shoulder, a huge smile on her face. All is right in her world as her hero, the protector in her life is home. She is perfectly safe.
Now she is five years old, she had been tucked into her bed for the night and she is drifting off to sleep. Suddenly she is startled awake by a loud noise, she is scared and bursts into tears and runs to her the living room where she knows her parents still are. She runs straight to her daddy and he holds her close in his strong arms and whispers in her ear, “it’s okay, I will keep you safe.” She is perfectly safe.
Ten more years pass, the little girl has now grown into a young woman. She had surrendered her life to the Lord a few years before but now senses the Lord is calling her to a deeper surrender as she sees and knows there is so much more. From experience she knows that her dad is a safe place, she confides in him knowing that he will care and have wisdom for her in this matter. He helps her understand that God is calling her and He, also is a safe place. And now she, too knows it to be that way, and she is perfectly safe.
Now we switch scenarios.
A newborn baby cries lustily, and all attempts from the mama to hush the crying little girl are in vain. The young mother herself is almost in tears, as her husband commands her that the baby must be silent, as the cry of the little one is getting on his nerves. A safe place is not being created.
The little lass is now two years old and happily playing with her toys, when she hears someone coming in the door. She listens intently, and hears her daddy coming, so she runs to hide to escape harsh words that are sure to come. A safe place has not been created.
Now she is 5 years old, there is a thunderstorm raging and the lightning flashes and the thunder cracks. She is scared and she wonders if perhaps this time her daddy would allow her to sit with him, she quietly walks over to his chair and gently touches his arm, it startles him which incites a frustrated response, and she promptly bursts into tears and flees from the room. She wanted to see if it was safe, but it was not.
The young lady has grown into a young woman, and her view of God is as she views her dad. Harsh and never a kind word to say unless it benefits himself. Everyone around her says God is a loving God and she thinks He probably is, but she cannot bring herself to believe it. She would never acknowledge it, but she has never felt safe in her life. Not even once.
The question of her heart is, “ why would I want to commit my life to someone who may cause more pain in my life and isn’t safe”. There was never a safe place created.
Sounds rather hopeless.
One day the young lady experiences Jesus in a very real way, in the deepest pain and wounds of her heart He, Jesus meets her. She allows herself to be vulnerable and real, walking through the pain. This time there is something different, she is not alone, and she recognizes it. Jesus is walking with her, holding her hand as she walks through the pain. He never leaves her side, and she comprehends that in all the days of her life, Jesus has been with her. He has seen every bit of pain that she has ever experienced, and it gives her courage to keep on walking forward even though it is difficult. A safe place is being created.
Then something else begins to happen. She is no longer an orphan, because she is perfectly safe as a daughter of the King with her Father. She is no longer fearful because she is perfectly safe and perfectly loved.
Brother and sister. Where ever you are in life, and with which ever scenario you identified with. May you know and rest in Jesus, He is the perfectly safe place. In Him there is healing, peace and safety. Run to Him!
As the Lord gives me the words, I will share more from my journey of orphan to adoption.
Laundry is common thing to every housewife and/or mama. Some days it may feel like a mundane task, because the laundry basket never seems to stay empty for very long at all. I mean, it just feels rather overwhelming at times.
But here’s the thing.
I love doing laundry.
I always have and probably always will.
What a joy to put smelly clothes into the washer and just an hour or so later, you have clean, fresh smelling laundry.
Ahh! So satisfying.
But here’s the kicker.
I don’t like folding laundry and putting it away.
I don’t like it sitting in the laundry basket either.
I enjoy the satisfying feeling of once it’s all done, as in folded and put away.
But folding and putting away, uhm meh😳🥴My general plan consists of just getting the laundry folded and put away as soon as it drys, that way it’s done and I can move on to other things. You know, fun things that I actually enjoy.
But God took me to a place far past the laundry basket being empty, far past being caught up with laundry, I mean it’s not like it’s a status thing to be caught up on laundry, yes it’s nice but there’s more important things.
Here’s where God took me and it challenged me. Would I rather have an overflowing laundry basket and my children’s hearts taken care of or an empty laundry basket and a child/children that feel unheard and misunderstood?
Oh Lord, give us grace, wisdom, courage and strength to keep our eyes focused on what’s important. You as a mama, are teaching and nurturing your children for all of life! And God’s Mercies are new every Morning!❤️
Maybe it’s the not the laundry basket for you, maybe it’s something else, but whatever it may be, just know it’s okay to not always have it perfect. You are human! God is the giver of much wisdom and grace! Ask Him and He will give it to you❤️
So imagine with me, that you are walking along a rugged mountain path that winds ever upward and there’s rocky rough terrain you encounter as you trudge along. Suddenly you’re startled by a noise and as you glance around to see where the noise is coming from, in your peripheral vision you catch a glimpse of a giant boulder rolling down the mountain and headed straight for you. There’s absolutely nothing you can do, no where you can go, basically you’re helpless as you watch the giant boulder rapidly heading your way directly.
Bam! It hits you. Knocks you down, flat on your back and rolls on top of you, knocking you unconscious. After some time you regain consciousness and try to gather your bearings of what just happened, basically you come to the conclusion that you’re helpless, there’s nothing you can do until someone comes to your aid.
What is your “Boulder on the Journey”? I ask this because we all have one. Maybe it’s:
Death of a loved one
The list could go on and on, but we are getting our minds spinning in the direction of what could be our “boulder on the journey”. We all have that thing, that conversation, that relationship and etc. that we dread, it weighs heavily on our minds and hearts constantly, it affects many parts of our very being.
It is reality that stares us straight in the face, we can’t run from it, no matter where we go, it’s right there, glaringly real. We grope, hesitating as we place yet one more foot forward as an act of faith. We don’t understand, we don’t have answers, yet what is before us, requires us, maybe even forces us in sheer desperation to move onward.
Pain, loss of a loved one, broken dreams, financial issues, difficult relationships and etc. they are all a real part of life. It’s hard to process through, and if we are not aware of the “Boulder” we tend to stay under it helpless for many many days, months and even years.
Brothers. Sisters. I know the pain is real, I know it’s so hard. It’s starting to feel like no one understands or even cares. But!
There’s Hope! There’s a cross that held our beloved Jesus, so many years ago. Blood splattered and stricken was He, not an easy scene to think about, but He was wounded for our transgressions and by His wounds we are healed. This is not the end for you! In fact, it’s just the beginning of a new season, a new level of healing.
It may feel like no one cares, but your Heavenly Father cares. He loves you! He wants to heal you from the scars of the boulder, will you allow Him to?
We all have a vague idea of what we think our lives should look like, at least what our feeble minds can fathom, but are we okay, surrendered to the Father if that changes and our lives shift so completely and we barely recognize who we are or where we are?
On the darkest of nights when the waves of pain hit you with searing blows, and the tears spill down your cheeks like a torrential river. Your heart feels like it’s been ripped in two and your lofty dreams lay shattered all across the floor on display for all the world to see.
On the day when the battle has been the realest yet, the storm is raging all around and within you, you cling to the tiniest glimmer of hope you see, yet the final blustery gusts of the storm batter your weak and exhausted body and you sink to the floor in utmost despair.
When yet another wave of grief has hit your spirit and as the new day dawns, it seems to take every ounce of strength to even get your feet on the floor and then you wonder how you will ever manage to stay on your feet?
The truth is, each one of you have experienced one or all of the scenarios above. It’s hard for our feeble minds to process through any one of the scenarios mentioned above and see the good in any of it, but is it really for us to see or even understand why God is having us walk this season of life?
There seems to be a lot of focus on understanding every scenario we are faced with, when really all the Father wants us to do is trust Him, resting and knowing that He, ultimately is the One in control and He will take care of us just as He promises.
What is our motive behind needing to understanding everything we face? Is it because we don’t trust God to be faithful and reveal His perfect plan for each moment of our lives, and we want to hang on to at least a fragment, in our feeble attempt to control what is really completely out of our hands.
Oh dear ones, may the Lord instill grace, abundant grace as you walk forth, in the season of life you are in! May He give strength to take that next step, and may you know and believe that He can be trusted, even tho the circumstances make absolutely no sense to you.
The ground has lain dormant through the harsh cold months of winter, enduring every icy blast of cold air and freeze after freeze. Everywhere you look is brown, no sign of life seems to be in sight. But then with each passing day, the sun shines a bit longer, the air becomes a bit warmer and suddenly you notice little green shoots pushing through where everything had been brown before.
The farmer anticipates the thawing of the cold ground, daily he checks the ground in his field awaiting the time when he can work the ground in preparation for the planting season. He purchases seed, he prepares his machinery, oiling all the necessary bearings, ensuring that the moment the ground is ready he can be turning up the soil in preparation.
Fast forward a month and the day has arrived, the ground is finally ready and has been tilled to perfection and is ready to receive the seed which has been purchased to be planted. Pound after pound of seed is planted into the now warm and fertile soil, as the tractor and planter makes it continuous rounds across the field.
Now in faith the farmer anticipates the growing of the seeds, he knows the process and has prepared himself for the thawing of the soil, the preparation and the planting, but now comes the part where his Faith and Trust must be in the Lord!
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24
So how about you my friend, has there been a season that looked like winter in your life? Has your heart grown cold and it seems like you won’t see the light of day again? Has one whom you love dearly, hurt you to the point it seems you would never get over it or ever be able to trust fully again? Does your heart ache with every breath you take, and you wonder where God is?
Oh my brother, oh my sister! My hearts weeps with you, but may I challenge you, to take a look at the farmer and learn a mighty lesson. Even when you see nothing growing and all is brown and seems cold, will you take a step of faith and plant a seed of faith and walk forth? Will you keep readying the machinery ( your spiritual life) so that at the first hint of warmth and sunshine you are ready to begin the preparation process?
A seed is purchased and then the ground prepared and then it’s planted. But the next step is, the seed MUST Die to what it was so it can grow into what it was intended to be! Allow the Lord to bring healing, so that you may grow into new levels in Him!
Breathing a weary sigh, she stepped outside letting the door close gently behind her, thinking that maybe a breath of fresh air would help clear her mind, so that she could focus. Despite her best intention, the feelings of frustration and despair kept washing over her, why did it seem like she was all alone and none would understand the turmoil and anguish within her heart?
In her mind she replayed the all too familiar scene from the evening before when she had flung herself across her bed sobbing, it had felt like her heart would break from the pain. The fear had clenched her and gripped her like never before, the fear of not being loved was real and even now that very thought and other thoughts threatened to cripple her as she walked along.
Was there no one that cared?
Was there no one who would love her?
Was this all there was to life, a vicious cycle of tears, heartache and pain?
Was it worth it, really worth it to endure the pain and the struggles of life?
Then there was the gentlest of voices amidst all the questions and turmoil within, “my daughter, I care about you, I created you in my image and I love you, will you receive my love and allow me to care and heal the pain within your heart?”
“You may not understand this season my daughter, but I see each and every tear you cry, and I know that you question why, but I am asking you to trust me with your heart and allow me to carry you through this time? I know it seems scary, I know it seems vulnerable, but I promise I will not fail you?”
“Will you entrust me with the every area of your heart? Will you allow me to care and heal what has been broken and shattered within? I am your Father and I desire to care for you and your heart.”
With tears streaming down her face, her flesh attempting to rise up and stop her from taking action what she knew she needed to do, she spoke into the night, “Yes Father, I trust you to care for and heal my heart, it seems vulnerable but I am trusting you!”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” ~Proverbs 3:5-6
My friend, it is not easy for trust that has been broken, to be regained immediately, in fact; it often takes years to regain/restore that trust, but we serve a Father who delights in us, He rejoices over us and He wants us to be Whole and abide fully in Him! What will you trust Him with today?
“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” ~Zephaniah 3:17