“ I wonder…”

I wonder sometimes what it would be like if things would have been different, If life would have been more “normal” for me?

What would it be like to live without the effects of abuse for me as a person?
What would it be like to not have stare complex trauma in the face on an almost daily basis?
How would it be to not be triggered on a constant basis?
What would life be like?
What would I be like?
How much different would I be?

Abuse does weird stuff to a person. It messes with the inner part of us. It shatters the heart. It destroys trust and it seems like you are staring death directly in the face. It’s a cruel thing.

These questions and thoughts run through my mind often.
What if?
Why God?
How could you allow such suffering?
If you are a good God, why do you allow such awful things to happen to your children?

And so again I wrestle.
And still I question.

But of one thing I am sure. In our suffering, God desires for us to give Him our heartache, our shame and our pain.
He is present. During our suffering, in our suffering and while we heal. He, the God our Healer is present and for that I am Grateful ♥️

I wonder if in our suffering God draws closer, in fact so close that if we would we ask Him where He is, He would reveal He is holding us close to Him, weeping with us in our pain.

Still I am grateful that He is present, especially in our suffering. What an amazing God!

2 thoughts on ““ I wonder…”

  1. This. I feel you. Abuse messes with a person so, so deeply. I still face triggers day after day. It’s a hard journey to walk, but bless you for sharing!


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