Category Archives: Journey

“It’s okay”

If today looks nothing like you had imagined

If today goes way different then you thought

If your plans get shattered in a million pieces

If there’s empty places at the table today.

If your emotions are all over the place

If you can’t answer one more question

I want you to know.

It’s okay to stop and take some deep breaths.

It’s okay to take a moment and just rest

It’s okay to grieve what should have been

It’s okay to grieve what could have been

It’s okay to grieve the losses that are big

It’s okay to grieve the possibilities of what if

It’s okay. Again I tell you. It’s okay.

It’s okay to acknowledge you’re not okay.

It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling

It’s okay to give yourself grace for the moment

It’s okay to take a moment and weep if needed

It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

Grief is crazy odd, showing up

At the most in opportune time possible.

It manifests itself in unique ways.

It’s okay to grieve. It takes time and space.

It’s okay to acknowledge that not every time and space is safe to grieve. It’s okay.

It’s okay to acknowledge you don’t

Always want it to be this way.

Acknowledge that as you heal

The journey will be hard and long.

But remember you Are Not alone.

It’s okay to wonder where God is.

But also know He is always with you.

It’s okay this Thanksgiving Day

To grieve the “could and should have”s

It’s okay to acknowledge those things.

But also remember you are Loved.

You are treasured and always will be.

By the Almighty God in Heaven

The One who knew you before time began.

It’s okay to not always be okay.

Grieving is hard, emotionally draining work

And you are Not alone on this journey

Lift your head and eyes toward heaven.

I wonder if you would allow yourself

To bask in the Goodness of God

For even just a moment or two.

He’s good. So so very good, He is.

He’s so kind. So gracious and loving.

He understands and He cares.

Even if it doesn’t feel that way.

He grieves with you and if you ask Him,

I know He will hold you close.

It’s Okay. Because God is our Healer.

“ I wonder…”

I wonder sometimes what it would be like if things would have been different, If life would have been more “normal” for me?

What would it be like to live without the effects of abuse for me as a person?
What would it be like to not have stare complex trauma in the face on an almost daily basis?
How would it be to not be triggered on a constant basis?
What would life be like?
What would I be like?
How much different would I be?

Abuse does weird stuff to a person. It messes with the inner part of us. It shatters the heart. It destroys trust and it seems like you are staring death directly in the face. It’s a cruel thing.

These questions and thoughts run through my mind often.
What if?
Why?
Why God?
How could you allow such suffering?
If you are a good God, why do you allow such awful things to happen to your children?

And so again I wrestle.
And still I question.

But of one thing I am sure. In our suffering, God desires for us to give Him our heartache, our shame and our pain.
He is present. During our suffering, in our suffering and while we heal. He, the God our Healer is present and for that I am Grateful ♥️

I wonder if in our suffering God draws closer, in fact so close that if we would we ask Him where He is, He would reveal He is holding us close to Him, weeping with us in our pain.

Still I am grateful that He is present, especially in our suffering. What an amazing God!

“Sitting at the Feet of Jesus”

Seasons of life come and go, and is it not a mystery how much we change through different seasons of life? Yet of One thing I am certain, our Heavenly Father does Not change! His faithfulness in meeting us in our deepest need, is such a gift.

Sometimes, God feels far away, but He is not the one that moved, I moved away.

Why did I move away?

Things got difficult, it all seemed too much for my feeble being.

I fixed my eyes on me and how hard this was.

Anxiety set in.

I felt numb.

Triggers and flashbacks were also present in vast number.

My time of prayer was a misery because I was angry at God for giving me this trial it was just too much to bear.

In fact, I could not pray at all. Words just failed me.

I could feel the distance between God and I growing larger.

Yet even when it felt most difficult to lay myself on the altar in complete surrender, God gave me the strength to do it, and as I surrendered myself, I asked God to give me words to pray when I had none. And in a corporate time of worship, He gave me these words from the familiar hymn of

‘Sitting at the Feet of Jesus’.

Bless me, O my Savior, bless me,
As *I sit low at Thy feet;
Oh, look down in love upon me,
Let me see Thy face so sweet;
Give me, Lord, the mind of Jesus,
Keep me holy as He is;
May I prove I’ve been with Jesus,
Who is all my righteousness

The words, “Give me Lord the mind of Jesus” spoke deeply to my heart, because that was my heart’s desire, even though the thoughts in my mind in the past were not those of Jesus. To love like Jesus, to walk in boldness and humility doing the Father’s work, in complete peace and assurance that the Father will provide for every need, because with Him ALL things are possible!

“Keep me holy as He is” What a prayer of surrender, and in surrender we are as mere clay in the Father’s hand and He can use us! It’s laying our all on the altar and saying, “God here I am, use me, mold me and shape me into a vessel for You!”

“May I prove I’ve been with Jesus,
Who is all my righteousness”
Could it be possible that in the hardest seasons of life, that’s when there can be the greatest possibility of seeing that a person has been with Jesus? When you are being molded and shaped it’s a difficult season but oh the Joy, of walking with our Father, united in Him and walking in holiness.

More like You Lord, that is my prayer. Take me deeper, that I may walk close to Thee. Mold me, shape me, use me as Thou desires. May it be Thy likeness and love that they see!

It’s Been 10 years..

It has been 10 years and I will always remember that day. The morning when I stepped out the door. It was like stepping across the threshold to a life I had never expected to be a part of. It was the day I took a step, in desperation to find something I knew to be there but having no idea what it was or how I would find it. Think of it as, going on a journey with no map or directions.

It was the day I had spent close to a year preparing for. The day I would leave the Amish.

In the early morning stillness, I packed the last of my belongings in a trash bag, slung it over my shoulder, took one last look around the room, took a very deep breath and stepped out the door. I was no longer the Amish girl, that everyone knew. I was about to embark on the craziest of journeys that I had ever been on. I was leaving and I was not going to look back, nor would I go back.

I remember. The desperation. The anxiety. The questions. I was so desperate. If this didn’t work, I was done. It was going to be over. I won’t ever forget that desperation. The lumps in my throat. The “what ifs” that constantly plagued me. The constant questioning if this would even work. What would I do, if it did not work?

I didn’t have a backup plan that was a good one even if I did not recognize that fact at the time. I was just desperate to find what I thought to be there, but how would I find it? And where would I go?

I will not ever forget the loneliness that ensued me after that eventful day. The rejection. The difficulties. The fear of the unknown. The mountain of questions. The endless pain in my heart. The condemnation that plagued me constantly.

It was a scary time. it was a difficult journey. What kept me going was, my vow to myself “I will not fail at this.” I did not know how to pray; I just knew there was a God in heaven, and He surely would help me. I believed He would.

He did help me. He sustained me. He upheld me with His righteous Hand. He protected me. He is the reason I am still alive today to proclaim of His goodness and faithfulness!

I remember that cardboard box that served as a nightstand beside the worn-out mattress I called my bed. I remember going to bed and wondering if I would get any where in life, yet I was determined to not give up.

I remember wondering if I would ever belong anywhere. Would there ever be peace in my heart to replace the anxiety that was deeply rooted there? Would I ever really be glad for the step I took? Was it worth it to sacrifice so much to pursue something I knew to be there, but had no idea how to attain?

It has been 10 years. I, myself, can hardly fathom it has been that long, but I look back over the years and the Faithfulness of My Heavenly Father is etched and woven through every tiny detail of the journey.

What I was looking for, God has allowed me to experience. It was the joy and freedom I saw present in others, but seriously doubted it could ever be present in my own life.

This is not a “follow your heart” claim. Our hearts are dreadfully wicked without the Lord cleansing us, purifying us and making us whole. But it is a humble prayer of “Lord, I can’t but I know You can, please help me and lead me, I surrender to You”

I learned so many things.

I learned that God can be trusted. He is just as Good as His word says He is! He will always help us the Way He knows we need help, not just how we want Him to help us. He is faithful. He is kind. He is just. He is loving. He will heal the pain and hurt in our hearts.

He is the author of every testimony. He is the best writer and orchestrator of our lives. He will not fail. He is faithful. He is always good!

And remember. “The Only Big, is God”

In Honor of Father’s Day

I have sat down numerous times in years past, intending to transcribe my thoughts on fathers and Father’s Day, as it is one that is very close to my heart and seems almost to sacred for me to share my heart on.

Why? Maybe it could be because, this will not be your normal Father’s Day post as you will, that you generally see at this season but it’s what the Lord is giving so I want to be faithful and share what He gives.

The term father, what does it mean? Protector, advocate, provider, leader, strong, courageous are a few that come to mind. These are mere words I know, but they describe our Heavenly Father so well. Along with words like omnipotent, amazing, loving, holy, understanding, and this list scarcely scratches the surface when it comes to describing our amazing God.

Truly we have a gift, a tremendous gift with our Heavenly Father.

The Word of God reminds us in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.” There is one who is out to destroy and kill.

Today, we too often see/hear the term father/dad so misrepresented and along with that, our Heavenly Father is so misrepresented and how it must hurt the heart of God to something He ordained to be so beautiful and sacred to be destroyed and misrepresented.

If I may just share a short excerpt from my own journey and life. If 5 years ago and prior I was asked, what is a dad? I would have stated it like this, “unloving, negligent, uncaring, harsh” You may question why I would specifically use those terms, but that’s what I knew, and that’s also how I perceived my Heavenly Father to be.

Because as the saying goes, “as you view your dad, so you will view God”. I found this to be so very true in my own life. But let me also say this, there is again, a Heavenly Father who delights in healing and restoring what is broken and torn. He is Truly, “Jehovah Rapha, the Lord our Healer”

You see, God created fathers and dads to be a direct representation of Him, the Heavenly Father. To show His heart for wives, families, churches, and the world, they are all watching and God knew that it would be that way.

Now if you will allow me, let me take this another step further. When Jesus was on the cross, where were His disciples, the ones closest to Jesus? We find that they all fled like cowards, leaving Jesus all alone. Jesus, however; did not waver, He stood faithful, depending on The Lord for strength.

When Jesus was beaten and hung on the cross, He also felt, what it feels like to be rejected by everyone in the world, including His own Father. “And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭15:34‬ ‭

I believe what Jesus felt, that rejection from His Father, was for you and I. We all face rejection and it hurts so bad. Some of you have experienced tremendous rejection from your dads and I want to speak ever so gently to your hurting and wounded heart regarding it.

So if you will allow me to speak the word that the Lord is giving me, for you specifically that have been hurt by your dad. First of all, it was never ever the heart of God nor His intent that His Name or the ones He created to be His representatives, should be misrepresented.

Brothers and sisters, hear these words from Him, the Heavenly Father, Himself, “My son, my daughter, it is My heart that you would know the Love I want to offer to you, it is first Pure and Holy, without blemish. May you also know you can trust Me, Your Heavenly Father. I want to heal you and allow you to experience the Love of a Father, Your Heavenly Father, maybe even for the first time in your life. Now it may seem scary and hard, but I AM here to carry you and walk with you, ALL the way. I will not let go of you ever, you can Trust me. “For I AM the Lord, that Healeth Thee” ~Exodus 15:26

To the Fathers, may you stand strong in an hour where it is popular to be passive rather then prayerful and more stylish then surrendered. And may the Words of Jesus Himself encourage and empower you to be who He created you to be.

“Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭10:16‬ ‭

“Perfectly Safe”

“There is no fear in Love, but perfect Love casts out fear”.                                  1 John 4:18
“There is no fear in Love, but perfect Love casts out fear”.
1 John 4:18

A tiny baby girl, laying upon her daddy’s chest, the even rhythm of his breathing gently lulls her to sleep. His strong arms gently envelope her perfect little form, drawing her close to him. It is a picture of perfect safety.

Two years later, the same little girl plays happily with her toys, then mama calls “daddy’s home”. The toys are forgotten, as she runs for the door, awaiting the arrival of her daddy. He comes in the door, swoops her up, hugs her close to him, she lays her head on his shoulder, a huge smile on her face. All is right in her world as her hero, the protector in her life is home. She is perfectly safe.

Now she is five years old, she had been tucked into her bed for the night and she is drifting off to sleep. Suddenly she is startled awake by a loud noise, she is scared and bursts into tears and runs to her the living room where she knows her parents still are. She runs straight to her daddy and he holds her close in his strong arms and whispers in her ear, “it’s okay, I will keep you safe.” She is perfectly safe.

Ten more years pass, the little girl has now grown into a young woman. She had surrendered her life to the Lord a few years before but now senses the Lord is calling her to a deeper surrender as she sees and knows there is so much more. From experience she knows that her dad is a safe place, she confides in him knowing that he will care and have wisdom for her in this matter. He helps her understand that God is calling her and He, also is a safe place. And now she, too knows it to be that way, and she is perfectly safe.

Now we switch scenarios.

A newborn baby cries lustily, and all attempts from the mama to hush the crying little girl are in vain. The young mother herself is almost in tears, as her husband commands her that the baby must be silent, as the cry of the little one is getting on his nerves. A safe place is not being created.

The little lass is now two years old and happily playing with her toys, when she hears someone coming in the door. She listens intently, and hears her daddy coming, so she runs to hide to escape harsh words that are sure to come. A safe place has not been created.

Now she is 5 years old, there is a thunderstorm raging and the lightning flashes and the thunder cracks. She is scared and she wonders if perhaps this time her daddy would allow her to sit with him, she quietly walks over to his chair and gently touches his arm, it startles him which incites a frustrated response, and she promptly bursts into tears and flees from the room. She wanted to see if it was safe, but it was not.

The young lady has grown into a young woman, and her view of God is as she views her dad. Harsh and never a kind word to say unless it benefits himself. Everyone around her says God is a loving God and she thinks He probably is, but she cannot bring herself to believe it. She would never acknowledge it, but she has never felt safe in her life. Not even once.

The question of her heart is, “ why would I want to commit my life to someone who may cause more pain in my life and isn’t safe”. There was never a safe place created.

Sounds rather hopeless.

But God

One day the young lady experiences Jesus in a very real way, in the deepest pain and wounds of her heart He, Jesus meets her. She allows herself to be vulnerable and real, walking through the pain. This time there is something different, she is not alone, and she recognizes it. Jesus is walking with her, holding her hand as she walks through the pain. He never leaves her side, and she comprehends that in all the days of her life, Jesus has been with her. He has seen every bit of pain that she has ever experienced, and it gives her courage to keep on walking forward even though it is difficult. A safe place is being created.

Then something else begins to happen. She is no longer an orphan, because she is perfectly safe as a daughter of the King with her Father. She is no longer fearful because she is perfectly safe and perfectly loved.

Brother and sister. Where ever you are in life, and with which ever scenario you identified with. May you know and rest in Jesus, He is the perfectly safe place. In Him there is healing, peace and safety. Run to Him!

As the Lord gives me the words, I will share more from my journey of orphan to adoption.

“He Held Me”

In the moments that we are faced with the hard reality of pain, we often try to find comfort despite the pain and reality.

The way we must walk is lined with many rocks, as in an Obstacle course, not to mention there is much destruction from the enemy and his evil doings.

Traipsing around it won’t help, pretending it’s not there doesn’t make it go away. The spirit groans, the heart aches, and the flesh rebels. It’s face to face, head on battle with one of the darkest moments of life.

The Father speaks, “I will not forsake you” and clinging to that promise she dares to take His hand and move ahead, toward the place, where many years ago she had innocently walked, until one day, destruction destroyed what was very valuable and precious, leaving it like forsaken remnants on a pile.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:6‬ ‭

Step by step they walk, her strength has vanished and she clings to the Loving Father beside her, knowing that if she lets go, it’s over for this time and she will not be able to endure.

The trek is like one of a tunnel without end and they walk very slowly, because the Loving Father beside her understands the pain is heart wrenching, but eventually they arrive, climbing the steps, entering “that Place”

She whimpers as she haltingly allows herself to go, to feel the awfulness of those moments from that gut wrenching time. It hurts so bad to have your innocence stolen, she sobs heartbrokenly, but Healing flows forth because Jehovah Rapha, the Lord her Healer, holds her so close as she clings tightly to Him, still whimpering.

She forces herself to lift her head, opening her tears eyes, turning for just a brief glance at “that place”. She’s grappling to get closure on the awfulness of what happened there.

Then burying her face into the shoulder/chest of Jehovah Rapha’s, He cradles her ever so close, her being weak and exhausted of All strength from the battle. A major battle it was, but it was Victorious because the Father was a part of it.

They exit by the same path they had entered, she forces herself to open her eyes, despite the tears, noticing the path, that once led to a place of destruction was now fully illuminated with light.

She knew the words, “I will not forsake you” were spoken by no one other then the very Father himself, Jehovah Rapha has healed.

“The Story”

A well known story in the Bible, the woman with the issue of blood, and what an interesting name for a lady that was very much like us, she had issues. There was something very unique about her though, her issue was very noticeable, the blood. She was literally know as the women with the issue of blood and because of it, she was considered unclean. When she came in a crowd, people scattered, they did not want to be associated with an unclean person, let alone touch them.

“And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse.” ~Mark‬ ‭5:25-26‬ ‭

I, was the woman with the issue, a heart issue, a heart that was still bleeding, a spirit that was wounded. No matter how put together I tried to pretend, inside my heart was still bleeding, my wounded spirit raw, hence the blood flowing heavily just as from a fresh wound.

My heart, no matter how wounded, torn or bleeding, it still wants to trust, it still wants to be cared for, it still wants to know that it can be healed and made whole, despite things, many things/relationships having been fractured for many years.

In all honesty, I just wanted things to be normal in my life, just like the woman with the issue of blood did, she didn’t want to be known by her issue, she just wanted healing and she went to desperate measures to get it. I, too, get desperate in my own carnal way and try to find healing/fulfillment, because I just want to not have to hurt.

It’s when The Father begins to speak, and especially speaks about your heart and the condition of it, and what He wants to do in bringing healing.

But are we willing?

When we are wounded our heart hurts constantly, the pain is overwhelming, we just want the pain to leave. Then we can help but be overwhelmed by the Love of our Father and how He speaks so gently and lovingly.

“My child, your heart has been wounded, it’s been crushed, it’s been hurt, and you have searched for much fulfillment and acceptance, from people and things, all to ease the hurt within , but I, the Father, who created you and loves you, “I am simply asking you to trust me with your heart!”

The wound hurts, the blood will flow, yet as Abba Father scoops out the infection/pain in the wound in His ever Loving and Tender way, things begin to shift, now the fragments can be knitted together and begin to heal, as Abba Father now applies His tender love as a soothing salve.

The question still is, ” Are we willing to allow Him, the Ultimate Healer to heal the wound?”

Pain is inevitable in life, it really is.

We all have issues, some we can hide better then others, but it is time we stop hiding behind our excuses and walk forward boldly like the warriors God created and called us to be!

God is and Always will be available to bring healing if we just allow Him to.

{Reflection}

{Reflection}. *to think quietly and calmly. *to express a thought or opinion resulting from reflection

A rainy, cold December evening it was and in that upstairs bedroom, flung upon the bed was a young lady, weeping from what felt like endless heartache.

~Would she ever be loved?

~Would someone ever care?

~Was life even really worth living?

These thoughts and many more ran endlessly through her mind, as she lay there, trying to comprehend what had just taken place that evening. Yet another verbal attack, it always felt like there surely could be none worse then the last, yet tonight’s episode had proven to be the worst one yet.

The holidays just seemed to be a stark reminder that not all was well, that those closest about her seemed to all be at odds with each other. Weren’t the holidays to be a time of rejoicing, a time of gathering together and enjoying each other’s company? She would have gladly welcomed a break from the pain of the day’s events, but where would she find that?

Two years later, it was December once again and the young lady sat at her kitchen table feeling the same in her heart as was the outside atmosphere, cold and dark.

The holidays were here once again and the same feelings were there, followed with:

Emptiness

Coldness

Loneliness

Sadness

Would this cycle ever end?

What was with the holidays that made it seem like such a hard time?

Fast forward to 8 years later, the year is now 2020 and it’s once again December, the very last day to be exact.

Things are a bit different for the young lady, lots of change in the 8 years and as she reflects, over the past year, there is a very noticeable pattern, it’s a pattern of God’s Mercy, Faithfulness and Love, it’s woven through all 366 days of the past year. What a year it was, but what Faithfulness from God also.

Now she reflects back over the past 10 years and she also sees a pattern, God’s Mercy, Faithfulness, and Love is intricately woven through every day of her life. There’s been much healing, the road has not been easy at all, but the Grace and Strength of God has been a very real art of it all. The holidays are still a bit difficult but every year is another step of healing and obedience.

“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭7:9‬ ‭

So however the past year was for you, and let’s be honest, 2020 was a year to remember. I challenge you to take a few minutes and reflect over the past 366 days, don’t focus on all negative, instead focus on where God was faithful in the hard, the impossible, I promise you will find it.

“The Time is Now”

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Do you ever find yourself waiting for the perfect time?

The perfect time to encourage someone.

The perfect time to pray with someone.

The perfect time to tell someone about Jesus.

The perfect time to hear from God?

The truth is there is no perfect time, but there is the present time.

Like the time I was slicing bread and God gave me the words for this post. Inspiration can be given at anytime and not always what seems to be the most convenient of times either.

I have heard from others that God has spoken to them in the shower, I mean one can’t really have a pen and paper in the shower to write but you get the point. God speaks anywhere at anytime. Are we listening or is it too inconvenient for our schedule?

Do you have time for a story?

Yes?

Great!

A little over two years ago, I was walking to the mailbox to get the mail and God spoke. It was a word I will never ever forget, it was so clear, as if you and I were having this conversation in person.

So about the word from the Lord, let me give you a bit of back story first.

There was a widower in my community and some dear people had been hinting that I would be a good match for him, and apparently a lot of people,thought that would be a great idea, basically everyone but myself. I wanted nothing to do with the idea, absolutely nothing. I mean, nothing personal I just didn’t care to have anything to do with guys at that season in my life, but God was about to change that too.

So I am walking to the mailbox to check the mail and this is what God said, “My daughter, there is a part of your heart that you have given me, but there’s also a part that you have not given me and that is the part that would be allowing a man to care for you”

That was the Word, it wasn’t one I wanted to hear but there It was. Not a fancy moment, and for sure not perfect timing in my opinion but it was a word from the Lord.

The point is, God will speak, but are we willing to listen? It’s not about you walking to your mailbox now to see if God will speak to you, it’s about you being obedient and walking forward in the season you are in, no matter how unpleasant or perfect it seems.

Listen.

Obey.

Walk.

The God of the Universe does want to commune with you, are you willing to listen and receive?