So let’s see, I stopped when I was getting into my teen years and me questioning so many of things we did. My endless amount of questions, would get me into much trouble, but I had to know the answers, even thought they weren’t very logical.
So my parents didn’t exactly like that I was questioning all the things that I grown up with or been taught, and I sure can’t blame em for that. They simply taught me the best they knew and I am very grateful to call them my parents and for what they taught me
At the age of 11-13, something changed I think it was a gradual change, but not a good one. I began having alot of trouble with my feet and I would often limp alot. Many people thought it was all hereditary, but I believe my spirit was so broken, (from some very dark things that happened in my younger years, more on that in a future post) and the enemy saw his opportunity to rack havoc and so he did. There was such a darkness that began to overshadow me, it was so real and yet I was quite oblivious to it at the time. But I sure wondered why I had to be the one that had to endure all this pain, like why couldn’t it be someone else?
At age 13 I had a minor hip surgery to correct a growth plate that was slipping out of place, but it didnt stop there, my feet, which had been perfectly normal until about 10-12 years of age suddenly began to constantly hurt and cause numerous problems, We tried many different things, chiropractor treatments, therapy, orthotics, special shoes, you name it we tried it and I was willing to try just about anything to get relief from the constant pain. I knew there had to be a reason for all of it, but I didn’t know what. Through all of this I began to turn to food for comfort, not to mention all the lies the enemy was getting me to believe, leading to loads of confusion, more darkness and pain.
At age 14 I graduated from the one room school that I had attended all thru the 8 grades. Now I was at home all the time, and my miserable self began to rebel even more against any and all authority; therefore, causing problems between me and my dear family. Time after time, I would end up in tears at night, cuz it seemed no one could understand the hurt or the confusion within my heart. I would end up in daily arguments with my sweet mama, who would patiently try to explain things to me, even though it would fall on deaf ears.
As my 16th birthday drew near, I began to look forward to the freedom that would come with being 16, and while it was fun for the first while, the newness soon wore off and I was back to the same old, same old again. Several months later I began my first job at a local restaurant, I loved being able to get away from the constant scrutiny of those close to me and be able to be a Lil more of myself. It wasn’t long before the people I worked with became aware that not all was well in my life. They tried to get me open up, but I would just end up in tears and not be able to talk. I was taught that you don’t allow your feeling to show and if you cry it’s a sign of weakness; therefore, I just shut down every emotion and didn’t allow myself to feel. I was a very miserable person, I just wanted to be loved, accepted and loved some more.
I actually remember the first time someone have me a hug, and the first time someone told me they loved me, it felt so amazing and I Remember wondering, why I didn’t experience more of these moments, like was I really as unlovable and ugly as the enemy had me believe was, cuz if that was the case then no wonder I didn’t experience it more often.
Another miserable year passed and I got baptized and became a member of the Amish church. I remember the day I got baptized as being one of the days of my life that was very happy and I felt like I could actually fly, I felt so free. Yet I remember as I said those baptismal vows, that the thought crossed my mind, what if I break the vow I just made to the church?
So leading up to my baptism, I had begun to understand that I was suppose to be a new person after I was baptized, and I was a church member, so I had to lead a perfect life, or at least that is the mindset I had. And I had determined in my heart that I was going to pray and have daily devotions; afterall, that is what I thought Christians do. But with noone to teach me, that resolution soon fell by the way side and I was back in the familiar old rut once again. I began to experience depression, and even though I told noone, I wanted this miserable life of mine to end. The misery was more then I could stand, if I wasn’t in pain physically, I certainly was hurting emotionally.
About a year or so after I was baptized, I was asked a question, that I kniw began to make me question and ponder the things that I had ever known, been taught and done. Actually I think it would be safe to say, that this was the question, that would later cause me to change my lifestyle completely. The question was simply,
If you would die, where would you go?
At this point my feet were causing me so much trouble, and I finally had a major surgery done, that was extremely painful. Through this time some people that were dear to me couldn’t seem to understand why I couldn’t work even though it was clear that I was laid up. My heart nearly broke at the words that were uttered, cuz people thought I just didn’t want to work. My pillow was soaked with tears on more then one occasion as my heart just begged to be understood, for just once. Like why couldn’t people understand that I was a human that had feelings too.
And so amidst all the confusion and misery, a plan began to form in my mind, just maybe this pain could end and things would be different.
To be continued….