They say, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. I can testify to that being
true but also that “once you do know you cannot easily unknow” to be very true
indeed as well.

In this journey of healing, I am learning I am a survivor of various forms of abuse. 

Did I just say that?

Yes, indeed I did because for me it is true even if I wish it were not. I cringe sometimes saying “a survivor of abuse” but it all because of JESUS that I am a survivor. He is the ONE who gave me life!

I have learned a lot in my healing journey.

There are specific things that I had no idea would be a part of the journey.
I, however, do know now, as each one made an entrance so boldly, that it is
indeed etched in my memory and not quick to be forgotten.  

This list is not an all-inclusive list but merely what I do now know.

I did not know that a scent or sound can instantly transport me back to a
place that my brain doesn’t want to go because it’s an unprocessed memory aka
trauma. It happens in the most unlikely of places and in the most inopportune
of times, like grocery stores, crowds, and the list goes on. And friends, we
call that a trigger moment and I, for one, do not go around looking for those.
I remember one time going into a therapy/ counseling session and it had been a particularly
rough week and I wearily bemoaned to my counselor how I was so tired of trigger
moments, she graciously instructed me to think of it as a highlight of a place
that needs healing.  I still dislike trigger moments but my mindset shifted regarding them.

I didn’t know that there was a name for the intense tug of war game going on
inside my head and brain, especially after a trigger moment. It greatly
resembled a fierce game of seeing who can yell the loudest. You know, squeaky
wheel gets the oil type of thing, I now know it to be internal conflict and it
is a very real thing. What a relief to know I was not as crazy as I thought,
this is “normal trauma processing” in a fight/fright/freeze mode, which happens during
a trigger moment.

I did not know body memory was a thing, just thought I must be imagining
things. The truth is body memory is very real, and your body truly does remember,
and it will not lie to you. Cognitive memory is one thing, but body memory is
truly remarkable. To have your body ache with pain and not have any clue why is
truly a unique feeling and one I do not wish on anyone. 

I did not know that the Healing journey was such an emotional roller coaster.
It is so exhausting, and you can be fine one minute and the next you may not
be. But one thing is for sure, Jesus can and does walk with you each step,
giving grace and strength to your weary mind and body.

I did not know that something that was distorted and misconstrued could be wholly
redeemed. That’s the GOD we serve! To watch HIM gather up broken pieces and
heal right before my very eyes, is the most amazing thing. What a Gracious God
we serve! He is our Healer and our Provider!    

I did not know that safety played such a major role in the healing journey.
Truly, it was a life changing moment for me, the very first time I felt 100%
Safe! It happened just a few years ago and I will never forget that moment. To feel
and be safe all in one moment was so overwhelmingly powerful and healing for my
body, soul and spirit.

Like I mentioned earlier, this list could go on and on, but I hope this can
shed some light on the journey. Be gracious and kind to yourself if you find
yourself on a healing journey.

To be whole is to be more like Jesus!

Walk with Him, 

They say, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. I can testify to that being true but also that “once you do know you cannot easily unknow” to be very true indeed as well.

In this journey of healing from multiple forms of abuse.

Did I just say that?

Yes, indeed I did.

Does it make you a little uncomfortable?  It is okay if it does, the reality is a harsh one, and the effects are too numerous for words currently.

I have learned a lot in my healing journey.

There are specific things that I had no idea would be a part of the journey. I, however, do know now, as each one made an entrance so boldly, that it is indeed etched in my memory and not quick to be forgotten.  

This list is not an all-inclusive list but merely what I do now know.

I did not know that a scent or sound can instantly transport me back to a place that my brain doesn’t want to go because it’s an unprocessed memory aka trauma. It happens in the most unlikely of places and in the most inopportune of times, like grocery stores, crowds, and the list goes on. And friends, we call that a trigger moment and I, for one, do not go around looking for those. I remember one time going into a therapy/ counseling session and it had been a particularly rough week and I wearily bemoaned to my counselor how I was so tired of trigger moments, she graciously instructed me to think of it as a highlight of a place that needs healing.  I still dislike trigger moments but my mindset shifted regarding them.

I didn’t know that there was a name for the intense tug of war game going on inside my head and brain, especially after a trigger moment. It greatly resembled a fierce game of seeing who can yell the loudest. You know squeaky wheel gets the oil type of thing, I now know it to be internal conflict and it is a very real thing. What a relief to know I was not as crazy as I thought, this is “normal processing” in a fight/fright/freeze mode, which happens during a trigger moment.

I did not know body memory was a thing, just thought I must be imagining things. Turns out body memory is very real, and your body truly does remember, and it will not lie to you. Cognitive memory is one thing, but body memory is truly remarkable. To have your body ache with pain and not have any clue why is truly a unique feeling and one I do not wish on anyone.

I did not know that the Healing journey was such an emotional roller coaster. It is so exhausting, and you can be fine one minute and the next you may not be. But one thing is for sure, Jesus can and does walk with you each step, giving grace and strength to your weary mind and body.

I did not know that something that was distorted and misconstrued could be wholly redeemed. That’s the GOD we serve! To watch HIM gather up broken pieces and heal right before my very eyes, is the most amazing thing. What a Gracious God we serve! He is our Healer and our Provider!    

I did not know that safety played such a major role in the healing journey. Truly, it was a life changing moment for me, the very first time I felt 100% Safe! It happened just a few years ago and I will never forget that moment. To feel and be safe all in one moment was so overwhelmingly powerful and healing for my body, soul and spirit.

Like I mentioned earlier, this list could go on and on, but I hope this can shed some light on the journey. Be gracious and kind to yourself if you find yourself on a healing journey.

To be whole is to be more like Jesus!

Walk with Him,

V