I will just warn y’all right away that this will probably be the post that will expose the rawness, the tears, the frustration, and the pain the most.

• It was during this time in my life that I hurt the most, yet felt God’s healing hand upon me.
• The time that I felt the rawest of emotions, yet there was peace.
• The time I wanted to not ever forgive, yet God reminded me that He forgave me.
• The time that I cried more tears, yet God was healing my heart.
• The time when I understood just how much truth could hurt.
• The time when in my loneliness, God was my constant companion.

So continuing from my previous post..

Even as I was driving to the weekly Bible study that evening, I could feel something was different and through our usual time of worship I could barely keep from crying. We split up into smaller groups then normal that evening, but I believe that it was all God ordained.

My group met in the backyard of that lil country church, where God painted a sunset more lovely then ever before, or maybe it was because my eyes were opened spiritually that very night. Even to this day, I could probably take you to the exact spot where I, amidst tears uttered the darkest secret of my past. Honestly, it was just so hard to admit that this had really happened to me, that as a young child I had been abused, sexually and physically.

As I began to tell of the darkest moments of my life, I cried like I had never ever cried before. There were:

• Tears of frustration of never being understood
• Tears of fear of being blamed for allowing it to happen
• Tears of rejection, cuz I felt so worthless
• Tears of loneliness, cuz during those dark moments, I had noone to turn to
• Tears of anger, at the perpetrator for causing me so much pain

Yet, amongst all those different emotions there were Tears of healing and relief that finally, the Truth was out, that I no longer had anything to hide. And there, I met Jesus in a way that I had never experienced before,

I saw a mental picture of the cross and there I was at the foot of the cross and Jesus washed away every dark spot and cleansed me. I was finally free and the weight I had been carrying for so long was GONE!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

In the following days and weeks I felt such a Rollercoaster of emotions, and those first several nights were almost a nightmare. A kind friend helped me understand that the emotions were a part of it, and that in order for me to move on, I would have to go back and mentally relive those dark and hurtful moments, and oh, it was painful, but I healed tremendously after that.

The loneliness was probably one of the hardest thing for me to understand and sort through. I struggled with it really bad for close to a year after I first talked about the sexual abuse. One of the main reasons is because when the abuse happened I was all alone in those dark moments, and I was at the expense of the abuser. Yet God has healed those wounds tremendously, and is still continuing to heal and teach me things concerning being alone.

Another huge part of it all, was my fear of people, I had to get rid of the mindset that all people were out to hurt me. Here again, God did tremendous healing in my heart and spirit. I began to actually trust people and allow people to become close to me, without being afraid of getting hurt.

It took several years for me to cope with all of this, and even now, it’s still makes me emotional to write about it all, but God is always Faithful and I am reminded of the verse in Zephaniah:

Yahweh your God is among you, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will bring you quietness with His love. He will delight in you with shouts of joy.”

Zephaniah 3:17 HCSB

So now that the most vulnerable post is about to draw to a close, I would like to ask that you give God all the Glory for what He has done and how He has Redeemed what the enemy meant for evil, Into something that brings Glory to God!

To be continued…

Thankful for Redemption,

Vinny

​

And the story continues….

  So this plan would enter my mind at times of great trial and loneliness, at the time I didn’t have very many friends (that was my own fault, cuz I was always working)  I never attempted to carry it out, but so many times I wondered if suicide would be my only option, I wanted to be free from so many things and I didn’t have a clue how to do so. 

  I would work about 50-60 hours a week, go home collapse on the couch, watch TV until bedtime, sleep, and wake up the next morning only to repeat it week after week. I was going through the motions of what I  considered a ‘normal’ life, but deep in my heart I knew there was more. Even back then, God was calling me, asking me to give my broken heart to Him and allow Him to heal me. 

 There was a group of my friends that invited me to their weekly Bible study, I went with full intentions of only going this once, but there was something about this weekly gathering that had me hungering for more. What fascinated me was the way they worshiped together, cared for one another, laying hands on each other and praying blessing and love over one another.  To me, the laying on of hands was quite strange, cuz I had never seen it before, but something about it felt right. After attending for several months, I began to really look forward to these times together with these people.  It felt like a safe place, a place where I could be myself.

  About this time I enrolled in online classes for Business Administration, so with working over 40 hours a week, plus doing college classes in the evening I was busy as ever.   I changed jobs which freed me up a little more, but still my extra time all went into studying and schoolwork.  I had one goal in mind and that was to get a degree, cuz somehow that was gonna make me feel better about myself.  

 But amongst all my busyness, God was working in amazing ways. And one evening as we gathered for our weekly Bible study group, something broke within me and I confessed that at times I just wanted to end my life, because I felt so dirty, so ugly, and so worthless.  As the ladies gathered around me, laying hands on me, and praying, I experienced something I had never ever felt before.  I felt the Father holding me in His arms and telling me that He loves me and He wants to heal every hurt and dry every tear.  It was such an overwhelming, amazing feeling, and I won’t ever forget it! 

  It was amazing how confessing that one thing made such a difference in my life. Suddenly I had something to live for, a huge cloud of darkness had been lifted lff of me and I found victory!! I felt like I was no longer just going through the motions of life, but that. I was actually accomplishing something. Thank you Jesus!!!!  

  So you may remember that in a previous post I had wrote about having serious issues with my feet, well some of those issues began to clear up and there was physical healing happening in my body, along with emotional and spiritual. I felt like a new person, for the first time ever.  It was an absolutely incredible feeling!! 

  And a Lil over a year later, we had once again met for our weekly Bible study, and that evening, I knew something was different, something was going to change.  Cuz that day I had told one of my friends the darkest thing that had ever happened to me…. 

To be continued.. 

Thankful for Redemption,

❤ Vinny 

   And now the story continues…

  A plan begin to form in my mind, but if I carried through with it, would it actually work? I had some doubts ,yet I knew that if I was willing to sacrifice some things it would be worth it. 

 What if I would just forsake everything I had always known and leave the Amish world? Just thinking of the adventure it would bring gave me quite a thrill.  I knew that I had to think everything through thoroughly before I tried it, cuz this was a decision that would affect my entire life if I went through with it, and I did NOT want it to fail or I would be eating humble pie for the rest of my years. 

 At this time my life at home was still miserable,(please understand that it was not necessarily my family that made me miserable, of course we didn’t agree on a lot of things that I did) but I literally had so much baggage that I was carrying, that I made everyone’s life around me a living nightmare.   

  So the plan began to take shape, and for a year it continued as I began to weigh different options in my mind. I was serious enough about it that I prayed about it quite a bit.  These were just a few of  the questions that I need answers to..

• What church would I attend?
• Where would I live?
• Should I move out of staute?
• Who would be willing to help me?
• How would my family react? 

 Finally, I was tired of thinking about it, and just ready to either go through with it or just forget about it. I decided to go through with it, and with my decision made, I knew I couldn’t leave without telling my sweet Mama how and why I made the decision that I did, it nearly broke my heart to tell her, cuz she was so sweet about it. Her words to me were,

 “I know you are not happy where you are right now, so I want you to go where you are the happiest”

 To hear those words directly from her, did my heart so good, of course she may not have said she supported my decision, but the fact that she acknowledged that she did want me to be happy, just blessed me tremendously.  

 So three days before Christmas, I stepped out that door, wondering if I was entering a brighter future or even more darkness. Turns out I was entering a phase of life, where everything was going to be an adventure. 

 I pretty much ditched all of my Amish garb and dove right into buying “worldly”clothes. I was obviously excited for something new, but then I had another surprise, after all the years of making all my clothes, suddenly I had no rules to abide by, I was free to buy whatever I wanted. I don’t even want to think of the style crisis I had🙈 Honestly, while it was all fun, it was totally overwhelming too, but thankfully I had some friends give me some advice and that helped tremendously.  

 And now for the driving or learning to drive phase🚘🙈 My, oh my, that was an experience! Especially learning how to operate a manual🙈 I will just leave y’all to guess how that went😂  Seriously, the first couple times I was behind the wheel, I was so overwhelmed with all the buttons, knobs, pedals, and all the thingy-majigs that are in a vehicle. I nearly despaired at first, but I caught on pretty quick, after stalling the engine a time or two.  I also remember seeing some gravel flying😂🙈 After I got my license, I would often zoom through the main stretch of the Amish community, passing up a few buggies as I went, somehow it just seemed like so much fun at the time. 😊

  Then there was the shunning part of it, which only lasted for about three months. After that I was free to mingle with my Amish peoples all I wanted and it was less awkward to be with them. 

 About 6-8 months after I left I was living alone in a cute Lil apartment, which I liked alot, but being alone so much of the time was not exactly ideal for me. Once again the newness had worn off, and the darkness from my past threatened to overwhelm me to a point where I could hardly go on.  In my mind, I knew I would never carry through with it, but what if that “back up plan” way back in my mind was my only option? 

 To be continued…. 

❤

Vinny 

 So let’s see, I stopped when I was getting into my teen years and  me questioning so many of things we did. My endless amount of questions, would get me into much trouble, but I had to know the answers, even thought they weren’t very logical.  

  So my parents didn’t exactly like that I was questioning all the things that I grown up with or been taught, and I sure can’t blame em for that.  They simply taught me the best they knew and I am very grateful to call them my parents and for what they taught me  

 At the age of 11-13, something changed I think it was a gradual change, but not a good one. I began having alot of trouble with my feet and I would often limp alot. Many people thought it was all hereditary, but I believe my spirit was so broken, (from some very dark things that happened in my younger years, more on that in a future post) and the enemy saw his opportunity to rack havoc and so he did. There was such a darkness that began to overshadow me, it was so real and yet I was quite oblivious to it at the time. But I sure wondered why I had to be the one that had to endure all this pain, like why couldn’t it be someone else?

 At age 13 I had a minor hip surgery to correct a growth plate that was slipping out of place, but it didnt stop there, my feet, which had been perfectly normal until about 10-12 years of age suddenly began to constantly hurt and cause numerous problems, We tried many different things, chiropractor treatments, therapy, orthotics, special shoes, you name it we tried it and I was willing to try just about anything to get relief from the constant pain.   I knew there had to be a reason for all of it, but I didn’t know what. Through all of this I began to turn to food for comfort, not to mention all the lies the enemy was getting me to believe, leading to loads of confusion, more darkness and pain.  

 At age 14 I graduated from the one room school that I had attended all thru the 8 grades. Now I was at home all the time, and my miserable self began to rebel even more against any and all authority; therefore, causing problems between me and my dear family. Time after time, I would end up in tears at night, cuz it seemed no one could understand the hurt or the confusion within my heart.  I would end up in daily arguments with my sweet mama, who would patiently try to explain things to me, even though it would fall on deaf ears. 

 As my 16th birthday drew near, I began to look forward to the freedom that would come with being 16, and while it was fun for the first while, the newness soon wore off and I was back to the same old, same old again. Several months later I began my first job at a local restaurant, I loved being able to get away from the constant scrutiny of those close to me and be able to be a Lil more of myself.   It wasn’t long before the people I worked with became aware that not all was well in my life.  They tried to get me open up, but I would just end up in tears and not be able to talk. I was taught that you don’t allow your feeling to show and if you cry it’s  a sign of weakness; therefore, I just shut down every emotion and didn’t allow myself to feel. I was a very miserable person, I just wanted to be loved, accepted and loved some more.  

   I actually remember the first time someone have me a hug, and the first time someone told me they loved me, it felt so amazing and I Remember wondering, why I didn’t experience more of these moments, like was I really as unlovable and ugly as the enemy had me believe was, cuz if that was the case then no wonder I didn’t experience it more often.  

 Another miserable year passed and  I got baptized and became a member of the Amish church.  I remember the day I got baptized as being one of the days of my life that was very happy and I felt like I could actually fly, I felt so free. Yet I remember as I said those baptismal vows, that the thought crossed my mind, what if I break the vow I just made to the church?

 So leading up to my baptism, I had begun to understand that I was suppose to be a new person after I was baptized, and I was a church member, so I had to lead a perfect life, or at least that is the mindset I had.   And I had determined in my heart that I was going to pray and have daily devotions; afterall, that is what I thought Christians do.  But with noone to teach me, that resolution soon fell by the way side and I was back in the familiar old rut once again. I began to experience depression, and even though I told noone, I wanted this miserable life of mine to end. The misery was more then I could stand, if I wasn’t in pain physically, I certainly was hurting emotionally.  

About a year or so after I was baptized, I was asked a question, that I kniw began to make me question and ponder the things that I had ever known, been taught and done. Actually I think it would be safe to say, that this was the question, that would later cause me to change my lifestyle completely. The question was simply, 

If you would die, where would you go?

 At this point my feet were causing me so much trouble, and I finally had a major surgery done, that was extremely painful. Through this time some people that were dear to me couldn’t seem to understand why I couldn’t work even though it was clear that I was laid up.  My heart nearly broke at the words that were uttered, cuz people thought I just didn’t want to work.  My pillow was soaked with tears on more then one occasion as my heart just begged to be understood, for just once. Like why couldn’t people understand that I was a human that had feelings too.

  And so amidst all the confusion and misery, a plan began to form in my mind, just maybe this pain could end and things would be different.   

To be continued…. 

Blessings, 

❤..Vinny 

I have had a number of people ask me about my growing up years in the Amish world.  So here goes the first part in a blog post. Please keep in mind as you read, that I don’t desire to target the culture or the people, but only to tell my story in a format that in the end brings Glory to God. Here goes…..

I was a very energetic Lil girl, full of mischief and questions, happy and go lucky was totally my nature.  I loved life to the fullest, always ready to soak up the next adventure, and with three older brothers, plus living on a farm, there were always plenty of those. 😏  

 Sometimes my energetic and mischievous Lil self, got into some troubles just like typical boys and girls do.  Like the time when I was almost four years old, and got bit by a dog.  I am not sure of all the exact happenings, but I think I was attempting to pet the dog and he apparently didn’t like it and bit at my face. So after 6 days in the hospital and a life long battle scar to show for it, I was ready for the next adventure.😀 

  One of the highlights in my younger Years was going to town, which was about twelve miles away, and  since I was the youngest I often had the privilege of going along.  With horse and buggy being the main source of transportation, it usually took over an hour to get to town, and as soon as I spotted the water tower, my Lil energetic self got all excited, because that meant we were almost there.  Besides, sitting for over an hour seemed like a long, long time to me🙈😁 The best part of the trip, was that I got to have French fries for my lunch, cuz that was the only time I got to have them, and to me that was big deal 

 Every Sunday morning(unless someone was sick) dad would hitch the horse to the buggy and we would leisurely trot down the road to whereever church services were being hosted that day. Church services were always sort of a dreaded time, because I had to sit still, on a hard bench, for three hours straight. And to my Lil energetic self those three hours, seemed to last for sooooo long. But as soon as the service was over, I got to hang out with my friends, which in my mind was the best thing ever.  

 But things weren’t always so joyous in my Lil heart, yes I always appeared to be happy on the outside but on the inside my heart was hurting and so many questions were constantly on my mind…

• Could some one just understand the pain?
• Who could explain some of these things that I felt in my heart?
• And why did I have to be so quiet about so many things?
• Did every girl experience these things?  

   I honestly did not know how to pray and ask God how to help me through these things.  But even now, I look back and I see God’s hand woven through every detail in each event of my life that was so tough. 
  

 At the age of 8-12 I began to really question some of the things that we did.

• Why did we dress the way we did?
• Why did my shoes always have to have strings and just why couldn’t they be gray or brown instead of always black? 
• Why did we hire someone to take us places with their vehicle, yet we couldn’t own or drive a vehicle ourselves?

And the list of questions could go on, but you get the idea. The answer always seemed to be the same, “we do it because it’s always the way it has been done”. Well, In my mind that answer wasn’t good enough, but it had to satisfy for the the present time.  

 I would hear people occasionally talk about God and how he was a wondrous God who worked in amazing ways, altho I couldn’t really make sense of all of it, I do know that  I had a child like faith in at least one situation where I remember kneeling and asking God to help my Grandma make the right decision and He did answer too.  But other then that, my knowledge of God was pretty limited.  But as time passed and I entered my teenage years,  I knew there had to be more to life then just being a person with the title of Amish and dressing simply.  

To be continued… 
Blessings,

Vinny