Tag Archives: Healing

“What I didn’t know”

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They say, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. I can testify to that being
true but also that “once you do know you cannot easily unknow” to be very true
indeed as well.

In this journey of healing, I am learning I am a survivor of various forms of abuse. 

Did I just say that?

Yes, indeed I did because for me it is true even if I wish it were not. I cringe sometimes saying “a survivor of abuse” but it all because of JESUS that I am a survivor. He is the ONE who gave me life!

I have learned a lot in my healing journey.

There are specific things that I had no idea would be a part of the journey.
I, however, do know now, as each one made an entrance so boldly, that it is
indeed etched in my memory and not quick to be forgotten.  

This list is not an all-inclusive list but merely what I do now know.

I did not know that a scent or sound can instantly transport me back to a
place that my brain doesn’t want to go because it’s an unprocessed memory aka
trauma. It happens in the most unlikely of places and in the most inopportune
of times, like grocery stores, crowds, and the list goes on. And friends, we
call that a trigger moment and I, for one, do not go around looking for those.
I remember one time going into a therapy/ counseling session and it had been a particularly
rough week and I wearily bemoaned to my counselor how I was so tired of trigger
moments, she graciously instructed me to think of it as a highlight of a place
that needs healing.  I still dislike trigger moments but my mindset shifted regarding them.

I didn’t know that there was a name for the intense tug of war game going on
inside my head and brain, especially after a trigger moment. It greatly
resembled a fierce game of seeing who can yell the loudest. You know, squeaky
wheel gets the oil type of thing, I now know it to be internal conflict and it
is a very real thing. What a relief to know I was not as crazy as I thought,
this is “normal trauma processing” in a fight/fright/freeze mode, which happens during
a trigger moment.

I did not know body memory was a thing, just thought I must be imagining
things. The truth is body memory is very real, and your body truly does remember,
and it will not lie to you. Cognitive memory is one thing, but body memory is
truly remarkable. To have your body ache with pain and not have any clue why is
truly a unique feeling and one I do not wish on anyone. 

I did not know that the Healing journey was such an emotional roller coaster.
It is so exhausting, and you can be fine one minute and the next you may not
be. But one thing is for sure, Jesus can and does walk with you each step,
giving grace and strength to your weary mind and body.

I did not know that something that was distorted and misconstrued could be wholly
redeemed. That’s the GOD we serve! To watch HIM gather up broken pieces and
heal right before my very eyes, is the most amazing thing. What a Gracious God
we serve! He is our Healer and our Provider!    

I did not know that safety played such a major role in the healing journey.
Truly, it was a life changing moment for me, the very first time I felt 100%
Safe! It happened just a few years ago and I will never forget that moment. To feel
and be safe all in one moment was so overwhelmingly powerful and healing for my
body, soul and spirit.

Like I mentioned earlier, this list could go on and on, but I hope this can
shed some light on the journey. Be gracious and kind to yourself if you find
yourself on a healing journey.

To be whole is to be more like Jesus!

Walk with Him, 

They say, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. I can testify to that being true but also that “once you do know you cannot easily unknow” to be very true indeed as well.

In this journey of healing from multiple forms of abuse.

Did I just say that?

Yes, indeed I did.

Does it make you a little uncomfortable?  It is okay if it does, the reality is a harsh one, and the effects are too numerous for words currently.

I have learned a lot in my healing journey.

There are specific things that I had no idea would be a part of the journey. I, however, do know now, as each one made an entrance so boldly, that it is indeed etched in my memory and not quick to be forgotten.  

This list is not an all-inclusive list but merely what I do now know.

I did not know that a scent or sound can instantly transport me back to a place that my brain doesn’t want to go because it’s an unprocessed memory aka trauma. It happens in the most unlikely of places and in the most inopportune of times, like grocery stores, crowds, and the list goes on. And friends, we call that a trigger moment and I, for one, do not go around looking for those. I remember one time going into a therapy/ counseling session and it had been a particularly rough week and I wearily bemoaned to my counselor how I was so tired of trigger moments, she graciously instructed me to think of it as a highlight of a place that needs healing.  I still dislike trigger moments but my mindset shifted regarding them.

I didn’t know that there was a name for the intense tug of war game going on inside my head and brain, especially after a trigger moment. It greatly resembled a fierce game of seeing who can yell the loudest. You know squeaky wheel gets the oil type of thing, I now know it to be internal conflict and it is a very real thing. What a relief to know I was not as crazy as I thought, this is “normal processing” in a fight/fright/freeze mode, which happens during a trigger moment.

I did not know body memory was a thing, just thought I must be imagining things. Turns out body memory is very real, and your body truly does remember, and it will not lie to you. Cognitive memory is one thing, but body memory is truly remarkable. To have your body ache with pain and not have any clue why is truly a unique feeling and one I do not wish on anyone.

I did not know that the Healing journey was such an emotional roller coaster. It is so exhausting, and you can be fine one minute and the next you may not be. But one thing is for sure, Jesus can and does walk with you each step, giving grace and strength to your weary mind and body.

I did not know that something that was distorted and misconstrued could be wholly redeemed. That’s the GOD we serve! To watch HIM gather up broken pieces and heal right before my very eyes, is the most amazing thing. What a Gracious God we serve! He is our Healer and our Provider!    

I did not know that safety played such a major role in the healing journey. Truly, it was a life changing moment for me, the very first time I felt 100% Safe! It happened just a few years ago and I will never forget that moment. To feel and be safe all in one moment was so overwhelmingly powerful and healing for my body, soul and spirit.

Like I mentioned earlier, this list could go on and on, but I hope this can shed some light on the journey. Be gracious and kind to yourself if you find yourself on a healing journey.

To be whole is to be more like Jesus!

Walk with Him,

V

A Note on Trauma

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What is Trauma?

I have been a part of multiple conversations in the recent past that have been stark reminders of lack of awareness of how the things of life may affect any individual in any given circumstance.

To sum up the conversations, would be to say there are:

* Multiple views on trauma.

* Numerous opinions on what trauma is.

* Countless arguments why trauma exists or why it does Not exist.

Do you get the point?

There are countless explanations why people say that it exists or doesn’t, not to mention the thought that trauma is merely an excuse to stay in our pain.

Ouch!

That last one stings deeply for some of us and perhaps more mildly for others.

Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum of what trauma is and why it exists. Would you just hear me out on what I think is one of the best explanations of the T word, I have heard to date through my own personal journey of healing?

I don’t believe this to be new information for some of you and for those of you that it is new, may it begin to spark awareness to the effects of and then also the process of healing.

Trauma is when an event takes place in an individual’s life that is so overwhelming that the individual feels alone and overwhelmed with emotion and believes he doesn’t have the resources to handle what is taking place.

Now. Let me note this.

This tends to be more prevalent in young children, but adults are not exempt.

Yes. That’s it.

That’s how trauma happens/can happen.

And.

It. Is. Very. Real.

And hard.

And agonizing

And very wearing.

But. Then there’s healing.

Yes. Healing.

Which is allowing someone to sit with you to undo the aloneness so you can heal.

That also.

Is very real.

Very difficult

Extremely agonizing.

But also healing and freeing.

There are days I wish I could say I don’t know much of anything about it but I can Not be silent with what I do know.

Why is that you may ask?

In my own journey the silence only hurt me further, in fact silence only enabled people to continue causing tremendous levels of pain. Silence too can be traumatizing.

Yes. It’s true. Silence is seldom golden.

I do recognize there’s a time to be silent, the Bible even says so, but may we always be in alignment with the Lord on what we are silent about.

May I encourage you to educate yourself if you, yourself are on a journey to heal from trauma or if you find yourself in a place of being a support person a friend on their journey of healing.

Awareness/education and allowing the Lord to lead you, is absolute key, in walking with someone even if it’s vast unfamiliar territory to you.

You can’t heal anyone. Only God can do that! But He can and does use His children to be vessels if we are willing.

Once we have been the recipient of a grace that meets our vulnerability, we want to show the same kind of grace to others. This is what empathy does, it extends grace to others in order to create authentic connection. ~Hinman & Warner

Until the next inspiration.

~V

Hem of His Garment

Journey,

I wonder what it felt like that day for the woman with the issue of blood, after 12 long years, having spent all her money and still she was not healed?

Did she almost stay home that day or had she heard about Jesus healing the sick?

How much courage did it take to touch the hem of Jesus’ Garment?

 And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone. She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased.  And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!” But Jesus said, “Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me.” And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”           ~Luke 8:43-49

Today this passage of scripture struck my heart and spirit in a different way then ever before as I listened to the song ‘Hem of His Garment’

I was the woman with the infirmity of an issue of blood. Thankfully it was not a physical wound of me losing blood, but my heart was wounded, I was hurt. My spirit was wounded. I carried the scars of horrible things that were done to me. Scars of rape that left my heart and spirit reeling from the pain for 20 years, abuse that makes me cringe to think of how I could have possibly survived the effects of it.

For years I was silent, believing I was the one who caused the pain, it’s crazy how the enemy and culture will do that to a person. Then one day I spoke, I remember it clearly as I said “Abused”. Something about that word, made me shiver to the very core. It was as if I was speaking of my identity and speaking that very word was opening the door to a thousand truckloads of wounds.

I identified as abused, worthless, wretched, etc. The astonishing thing is that I didn’t even know I identified that way and I was suffering from it.

How many of us are carrying infirmities/hardships that may not be as evident as this woman with the issue of blood, but they are very real to us as a person?

What is it about the infirmity/hardship that we carry that we wish to keep silent? Is it the shame we know is sure to be heaped on us by the first judgmental person that comes along.  Is it the fear of what people will think of us if they know what has happened? Perhaps we know once start, things will just keep coming that we need healing from.

I am thinking the woman with the issue of blood dealt with the same thoughts in her heart and mind

I get it. I dealt with all of these and hundreds more. It’s a battle of the mind and a heart that was wounded. It’s a hard place to be.

I am thinking the woman with the issue of blood dealt with the same thoughts in her heart and mind. She was wounded. She couldn’t get away from it, her infirmity very evident. I am certain people talked about her, saying all sorts of horrible things about her. And I am guessing that fear kept her away from people quite often. She likely had a very lonely, sad and painful life.

But Jesus!

He did NOT turn her away! In fact, that one touch of His garment healed her completely! That took incredible faith to touch His garment.

And then my favorite part!

Jesus spoke to her!

 “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”     

What does Jesus want to speak to you? What does He want to say to you personally?

Would you dare to draw close to Him?

Did you know that EVERY SINGLE hard thing that you as a person have gone through, Jesus was there! He was! If you can’t see Him, because often the painful circumstance has all our focus, ask Jesus to show you where He was during that painful circumstance!

Jesus, I thank you! You are always faithful and true.

Choose Jesus,

~Vinny

     

It’s Been 10 years..

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It has been 10 years and I will always remember that day. The morning when I stepped out the door. It was like stepping across the threshold to a life I had never expected to be a part of. It was the day I took a step, in desperation to find something I knew to be there but having no idea what it was or how I would find it. Think of it as, going on a journey with no map or directions.

It was the day I had spent close to a year preparing for. The day I would leave the Amish.

In the early morning stillness, I packed the last of my belongings in a trash bag, slung it over my shoulder, took one last look around the room, took a very deep breath and stepped out the door. I was no longer the Amish girl, that everyone knew. I was about to embark on the craziest of journeys that I had ever been on. I was leaving and I was not going to look back, nor would I go back.

I remember. The desperation. The anxiety. The questions. I was so desperate. If this didn’t work, I was done. It was going to be over. I won’t ever forget that desperation. The lumps in my throat. The “what ifs” that constantly plagued me. The constant questioning if this would even work. What would I do, if it did not work?

I didn’t have a backup plan that was a good one even if I did not recognize that fact at the time. I was just desperate to find what I thought to be there, but how would I find it? And where would I go?

I will not ever forget the loneliness that ensued me after that eventful day. The rejection. The difficulties. The fear of the unknown. The mountain of questions. The endless pain in my heart. The condemnation that plagued me constantly.

It was a scary time. it was a difficult journey. What kept me going was, my vow to myself “I will not fail at this.” I did not know how to pray; I just knew there was a God in heaven, and He surely would help me. I believed He would.

He did help me. He sustained me. He upheld me with His righteous Hand. He protected me. He is the reason I am still alive today to proclaim of His goodness and faithfulness!

I remember that cardboard box that served as a nightstand beside the worn-out mattress I called my bed. I remember going to bed and wondering if I would get any where in life, yet I was determined to not give up.

I remember wondering if I would ever belong anywhere. Would there ever be peace in my heart to replace the anxiety that was deeply rooted there? Would I ever really be glad for the step I took? Was it worth it to sacrifice so much to pursue something I knew to be there, but had no idea how to attain?

It has been 10 years. I, myself, can hardly fathom it has been that long, but I look back over the years and the Faithfulness of My Heavenly Father is etched and woven through every tiny detail of the journey.

What I was looking for, God has allowed me to experience. It was the joy and freedom I saw present in others, but seriously doubted it could ever be present in my own life.

This is not a “follow your heart” claim. Our hearts are dreadfully wicked without the Lord cleansing us, purifying us and making us whole. But it is a humble prayer of “Lord, I can’t but I know You can, please help me and lead me, I surrender to You”

I learned so many things.

I learned that God can be trusted. He is just as Good as His word says He is! He will always help us the Way He knows we need help, not just how we want Him to help us. He is faithful. He is kind. He is just. He is loving. He will heal the pain and hurt in our hearts.

He is the author of every testimony. He is the best writer and orchestrator of our lives. He will not fail. He is faithful. He is always good!

And remember. “The Only Big, is God”