Tag Archives: Joy

“What I didn’t know”

Journey, , , , , , , ,

They say, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. I can testify to that being
true but also that “once you do know you cannot easily unknow” to be very true
indeed as well.

In this journey of healing, I am learning I am a survivor of various forms of abuse. 

Did I just say that?

Yes, indeed I did because for me it is true even if I wish it were not. I cringe sometimes saying “a survivor of abuse” but it all because of JESUS that I am a survivor. He is the ONE who gave me life!

I have learned a lot in my healing journey.

There are specific things that I had no idea would be a part of the journey.
I, however, do know now, as each one made an entrance so boldly, that it is
indeed etched in my memory and not quick to be forgotten.  

This list is not an all-inclusive list but merely what I do now know.

I did not know that a scent or sound can instantly transport me back to a
place that my brain doesn’t want to go because it’s an unprocessed memory aka
trauma. It happens in the most unlikely of places and in the most inopportune
of times, like grocery stores, crowds, and the list goes on. And friends, we
call that a trigger moment and I, for one, do not go around looking for those.
I remember one time going into a therapy/ counseling session and it had been a particularly
rough week and I wearily bemoaned to my counselor how I was so tired of trigger
moments, she graciously instructed me to think of it as a highlight of a place
that needs healing.  I still dislike trigger moments but my mindset shifted regarding them.

I didn’t know that there was a name for the intense tug of war game going on
inside my head and brain, especially after a trigger moment. It greatly
resembled a fierce game of seeing who can yell the loudest. You know, squeaky
wheel gets the oil type of thing, I now know it to be internal conflict and it
is a very real thing. What a relief to know I was not as crazy as I thought,
this is “normal trauma processing” in a fight/fright/freeze mode, which happens during
a trigger moment.

I did not know body memory was a thing, just thought I must be imagining
things. The truth is body memory is very real, and your body truly does remember,
and it will not lie to you. Cognitive memory is one thing, but body memory is
truly remarkable. To have your body ache with pain and not have any clue why is
truly a unique feeling and one I do not wish on anyone. 

I did not know that the Healing journey was such an emotional roller coaster.
It is so exhausting, and you can be fine one minute and the next you may not
be. But one thing is for sure, Jesus can and does walk with you each step,
giving grace and strength to your weary mind and body.

I did not know that something that was distorted and misconstrued could be wholly
redeemed. That’s the GOD we serve! To watch HIM gather up broken pieces and
heal right before my very eyes, is the most amazing thing. What a Gracious God
we serve! He is our Healer and our Provider!    

I did not know that safety played such a major role in the healing journey.
Truly, it was a life changing moment for me, the very first time I felt 100%
Safe! It happened just a few years ago and I will never forget that moment. To feel
and be safe all in one moment was so overwhelmingly powerful and healing for my
body, soul and spirit.

Like I mentioned earlier, this list could go on and on, but I hope this can
shed some light on the journey. Be gracious and kind to yourself if you find
yourself on a healing journey.

To be whole is to be more like Jesus!

Walk with Him, 

They say, “you don’t know what you don’t know”. I can testify to that being true but also that “once you do know you cannot easily unknow” to be very true indeed as well.

In this journey of healing from multiple forms of abuse.

Did I just say that?

Yes, indeed I did.

Does it make you a little uncomfortable?  It is okay if it does, the reality is a harsh one, and the effects are too numerous for words currently.

I have learned a lot in my healing journey.

There are specific things that I had no idea would be a part of the journey. I, however, do know now, as each one made an entrance so boldly, that it is indeed etched in my memory and not quick to be forgotten.  

This list is not an all-inclusive list but merely what I do now know.

I did not know that a scent or sound can instantly transport me back to a place that my brain doesn’t want to go because it’s an unprocessed memory aka trauma. It happens in the most unlikely of places and in the most inopportune of times, like grocery stores, crowds, and the list goes on. And friends, we call that a trigger moment and I, for one, do not go around looking for those. I remember one time going into a therapy/ counseling session and it had been a particularly rough week and I wearily bemoaned to my counselor how I was so tired of trigger moments, she graciously instructed me to think of it as a highlight of a place that needs healing.  I still dislike trigger moments but my mindset shifted regarding them.

I didn’t know that there was a name for the intense tug of war game going on inside my head and brain, especially after a trigger moment. It greatly resembled a fierce game of seeing who can yell the loudest. You know squeaky wheel gets the oil type of thing, I now know it to be internal conflict and it is a very real thing. What a relief to know I was not as crazy as I thought, this is “normal processing” in a fight/fright/freeze mode, which happens during a trigger moment.

I did not know body memory was a thing, just thought I must be imagining things. Turns out body memory is very real, and your body truly does remember, and it will not lie to you. Cognitive memory is one thing, but body memory is truly remarkable. To have your body ache with pain and not have any clue why is truly a unique feeling and one I do not wish on anyone.

I did not know that the Healing journey was such an emotional roller coaster. It is so exhausting, and you can be fine one minute and the next you may not be. But one thing is for sure, Jesus can and does walk with you each step, giving grace and strength to your weary mind and body.

I did not know that something that was distorted and misconstrued could be wholly redeemed. That’s the GOD we serve! To watch HIM gather up broken pieces and heal right before my very eyes, is the most amazing thing. What a Gracious God we serve! He is our Healer and our Provider!    

I did not know that safety played such a major role in the healing journey. Truly, it was a life changing moment for me, the very first time I felt 100% Safe! It happened just a few years ago and I will never forget that moment. To feel and be safe all in one moment was so overwhelmingly powerful and healing for my body, soul and spirit.

Like I mentioned earlier, this list could go on and on, but I hope this can shed some light on the journey. Be gracious and kind to yourself if you find yourself on a healing journey.

To be whole is to be more like Jesus!

Walk with Him,

V

It’s Been 10 years..

Journey, , , ,

It has been 10 years and I will always remember that day. The morning when I stepped out the door. It was like stepping across the threshold to a life I had never expected to be a part of. It was the day I took a step, in desperation to find something I knew to be there but having no idea what it was or how I would find it. Think of it as, going on a journey with no map or directions.

It was the day I had spent close to a year preparing for. The day I would leave the Amish.

In the early morning stillness, I packed the last of my belongings in a trash bag, slung it over my shoulder, took one last look around the room, took a very deep breath and stepped out the door. I was no longer the Amish girl, that everyone knew. I was about to embark on the craziest of journeys that I had ever been on. I was leaving and I was not going to look back, nor would I go back.

I remember. The desperation. The anxiety. The questions. I was so desperate. If this didn’t work, I was done. It was going to be over. I won’t ever forget that desperation. The lumps in my throat. The “what ifs” that constantly plagued me. The constant questioning if this would even work. What would I do, if it did not work?

I didn’t have a backup plan that was a good one even if I did not recognize that fact at the time. I was just desperate to find what I thought to be there, but how would I find it? And where would I go?

I will not ever forget the loneliness that ensued me after that eventful day. The rejection. The difficulties. The fear of the unknown. The mountain of questions. The endless pain in my heart. The condemnation that plagued me constantly.

It was a scary time. it was a difficult journey. What kept me going was, my vow to myself “I will not fail at this.” I did not know how to pray; I just knew there was a God in heaven, and He surely would help me. I believed He would.

He did help me. He sustained me. He upheld me with His righteous Hand. He protected me. He is the reason I am still alive today to proclaim of His goodness and faithfulness!

I remember that cardboard box that served as a nightstand beside the worn-out mattress I called my bed. I remember going to bed and wondering if I would get any where in life, yet I was determined to not give up.

I remember wondering if I would ever belong anywhere. Would there ever be peace in my heart to replace the anxiety that was deeply rooted there? Would I ever really be glad for the step I took? Was it worth it to sacrifice so much to pursue something I knew to be there, but had no idea how to attain?

It has been 10 years. I, myself, can hardly fathom it has been that long, but I look back over the years and the Faithfulness of My Heavenly Father is etched and woven through every tiny detail of the journey.

What I was looking for, God has allowed me to experience. It was the joy and freedom I saw present in others, but seriously doubted it could ever be present in my own life.

This is not a “follow your heart” claim. Our hearts are dreadfully wicked without the Lord cleansing us, purifying us and making us whole. But it is a humble prayer of “Lord, I can’t but I know You can, please help me and lead me, I surrender to You”

I learned so many things.

I learned that God can be trusted. He is just as Good as His word says He is! He will always help us the Way He knows we need help, not just how we want Him to help us. He is faithful. He is kind. He is just. He is loving. He will heal the pain and hurt in our hearts.

He is the author of every testimony. He is the best writer and orchestrator of our lives. He will not fail. He is faithful. He is always good!

And remember. “The Only Big, is God”

{When the Basket is Full}

Adventure, Calling, Contentment;, Journey, Peace, Protection, redemption, Rest, ,

Laundry is common thing to every housewife and/or mama. Some days it may feel like a mundane task, because the laundry basket never seems to stay empty for very long at all. I mean, it just feels rather overwhelming at times.

But here’s the thing.

I love doing laundry.

I always have and probably always will.

What a joy to put smelly clothes into the washer and just an hour or so later, you have clean, fresh smelling laundry.

Ahh! So satisfying.

But here’s the kicker.

I don’t like folding laundry and putting it away.

I don’t like it sitting in the laundry basket either.

I enjoy the satisfying feeling of once it’s all done, as in folded and put away.

But folding and putting away, uhm meh😳🥴My general plan consists of just getting the laundry folded and put away as soon as it drys, that way it’s done and I can move on to other things. You know, fun things that I actually enjoy.

But God took me to a place far past the laundry basket being empty, far past being caught up with laundry, I mean it’s not like it’s a status thing to be caught up on laundry, yes it’s nice but there’s more important things.

Here’s where God took me and it challenged me. Would I rather have an overflowing laundry basket and my children’s hearts taken care of or an empty laundry basket and a child/children that feel unheard and misunderstood?

Oh Lord, give us grace, wisdom, courage and strength to keep our eyes focused on what’s important. You as a mama, are teaching and nurturing your children for all of life! And God’s Mercies are new every Morning!❤️

Maybe it’s the not the laundry basket for you, maybe it’s something else, but whatever it may be, just know it’s okay to not always have it perfect. You are human! God is the giver of much wisdom and grace! Ask Him and He will give it to you❤️